I've had a rough week. to say the very least..... i raised from the dead the crazy teenager out of me that i thought i buried along time ago.
however, some good came to be. i had some time to think and truly appreciate the things and people in my life I'm lucky to have. and when things get dark, it's funny how people do little things to make you love them when they don't even know they're doing so and that you needed it (at that exact moment) more then they could possibly know.
first things first. work. i often feel pretty skidly that I'm doing nothing important in life. sometimes i think my only talent is flirting and being social. funny thing is I'm more shy then i let on and i care WAY TOO MUCH about what other people think. it's hard to chose a path in life with those personality traits. being a server right now, is good for me though. i think I'm pretty good at it and i actually like it...but i still feel like it's nothing to write home about.
slicity jims..a weird little diner owned by a weird little man who still thinks he is and wants to be... twenty years old. run by mostly alcoholics and people with the most sad, yet amazing stories and lives, we are a messed up but happy together family. i know i could probably go work somewhere, another serving job where i could make more money etc. but the thing is, i never dread going to work. when i come home, i never think about it and when I'm there, it seems to always cheer me up from anything that's bothering me. i know people there understand me.
my boss Amanda, always tries to have my back. her and the head chef there, always go to bat for me and always make me feel great. when i was having the worst day this last week, she covered me without any explanation and just said she understood.
that's a great boss. they are hard to come by.
i may not always be stoked on what I'm doing, but for now, this is the healthiest and happiest job I've ever had.
secondly. my roommate Anna. in 6 years i have lived in 7 places and have lived with i THINK 21 people. many of those people was when i lived at a party house, some off them lived on my couch when i lived with two other girls for a while, some subleted my old roommates room for a couple of months, some were very temporary and many of them, i had cleaned up after, were awful people and or i went crazy living with. every end of every roommate was all for different reasons. so although sometimes i think, maybe I'm bad to live with,maybe its me, there's no pattern so really i was just having the worst living situation luck in all of Vancouver. right now, i couldn't be more content with my roommate and even though it's a dark small basement, my home. i call it home. it's the first place i think I've called home. Anna and i have known each other a while, but never been best friends or anything. but since almost the very first day of living together, it's felt sooo natural. we get along great, we have a lot in common..she's grown up with Jake and i adore her frenchy boyfriend. i can talk to her, drink wine and laugh with her but i can also not talk at all and feel totally comfortable in my own home. sometimes we pull both our laptops to the table and cruise on ebay together. barely speaking to each other unless we see something awesome. then we talk about how cool it is and then go back to not talking and doing our own thing. but it's nice to have someone in the room. it feels a lot like living with a sister. there was no adjusting for me. it just settled in nicely. she's a great person to live with. she's clean and sweet and i consider her a good friend.
thirdly. miss Toby Marie!!
i love Toby. she moved to new york along with the rest of the sweethearts in my life that have moved...that I'm sure I've talked about to no end in almost an annoying way. Toby and i, a bit before she left got together so she could take some photo's of yours truly. but she never sent me any. i bugged her occasionally for months and months to no avail and finally the other day, totally random, she sent them too me! not only did she send the pictures, but she sent along with it a note that made me feel like a million dollars. she made my day and i can't tell you how sweet and out of the blue it was. she inspires me to keep taking photo's and she always does little things that remind me to just have fun with it and to just have fun with life. I've always looked up to her a little to be honest so in a dark week, the email meant a whole lot.
miss Toby Marie and her pictures below
finally..and this may sound silly: the flowerbox on commercial and flowers in general.
the thing i do these days, once a week is buy flowers for myself. i love the flowerbox. the ladies in there know my face and they always make me feel fantastic. i love love love flowers. i get 4 bouquet's a week or so and spread them around my house. they make them for me each time and it's a ritual i can't seem to live without. thanks flowerbox and thanks mother nature for giving me some colour in life!
depression comes and goes for me. enough anyway, for me to know that a)it goes away and b)it can be short term remedied, like shopping, a dinner party, getting drunk and going to karaoke or getting artsy. man sometimes clothes shopping is THE best short term remedy and it makes me feel so much better. i prance around like i'm on fashion television and this new outfit is gonna make me be somebody. like I designed it myself, man look how GOOD this looks on me?!
but other times, i kinda wanna go home and burn all my food and then stab myself in the foot so as i can not PHYSICALLY leave the house again and therefore starving to death. like bathing suit shopping in February, it can be that bad.
i had porridge and coffee at Theresa's late this morning with my friend Ryan. each of us stoned already. turns out we both brought our new toy's and decided after breaklunch we would get more stoned, grab some props and go take some timed photo's. we decided the picture made starting a band together one of those things you have to do. if not just imagine you will and organize and think up everything your band is going to be like...what kinda music, name, and what would we wear. ours was going to be weird dance music called Landon and lace. but we changed into leather and lace. i'd have a sharp stick i'd jab at the audience. i would sing and Ryan would play synth. a really tall synth. so when i got to the vintage store i just HAD TO BUY those cute little lace gloves. we parted ways, and all i wanted to do was still take pictures. sure wish i had a model to photo...oh no wait! how bout use myself and the self timer! this ways i can play dress up too! self portrait time...
i have always had an age complex. for the most part i have hated being younger then everyone and despite my youthful appearance, have managed to hide or at least try and hide my age. this has changed especially after the last year or so. finding it finally a complement when someone points out how young i look or i.d's me. i hope this continues cause i am now afraid of ageing.
now i'm not about to get plastic surgery but in efforts to maintain this appearance i bought anti wrinkle cream the other day. this was also a desperate move on my behalf so as i can continue tanning without sunscreen and hitting the fake n' baking once a week.
i went on holidays with my family last week. i was reminded that my one gramma, always being short, has shrunk (spines allll curled up) to a mere 4'10 and my other gramma had allapecia and wore wigs
soooo as jake would put it, i'm probably going to end up looking like a bald yoda when i get old sooo i'm not tooo stoked on it happening EVER!
i have gone from a girl who only wants to be around adults and couldn't wait to be an age where "it just doesn't matter anymore" and hated being reminded how little she was and i.d'd everywhere she went... to... "shiiit, every year i get older it means it's less acceptable to be a pot head wino with no ambitions in life, who's biggest joy is your cat and who each day is one step closer to looking like bald yoda" and i have looked around my house, thinking, shit...i'm obsessed with youthful things.
i HATE the news (it makes me so angry to hear that 5 cops feared for their lives over a stapler and killed someone due to this fear) i watch old cartoons while i try and fall asleep i find showering more of an inconvenience then anything i saved all my Disney movies from a kid and watch them when i'm sick i collect kids books but have no intention of having my own..they're just for me i love theme parks, haunted houses, rides..etc etc i love doing blades and watching said cartoons and Disney movies and going to said theme parks and haunted houses i taught myself how to hula hoop..recently i love to play dress up i'm still too wimpy to sip whiskey or dink anything hard my favourite people i know make me laugh over farts, that's what she said jokes, bad humour etc i dip my raisins in peanut butter i collect nic nacs and salt n pepper shakers i do take photo's on occasion but for the most part, my "art" is collaging i make all important decisions rashly AND last minute
and after all this i STILL sorta have that age complex so ya. PRETTY COOL. pretty sure i can't win in life cause i will ALWAYS be dissatisfied