Wednesday, November 25, 2009

i know i'm home...

i cried over a ramote control confusion last night and threw a temper tantrum. i fell asleep teary eyed feeling guilty. i woke up at 7 to the sound of one parent's meltdown and i stared at the ceiling feeling guilty. i went out for breakfast. i knocked over hot coffee on the other parents lap and i sat there feeling guilty. i went to pee. i had a melt down while i sat on the toilet. and i think i made everyoe else feel guilty so i cried in the bathroom stall feeling guilty.
my mom bought me clothes and a bang trim today and i felt pretty guilty.

i tell ya what i don't feel like. what i don't feel like is the daughter you wish you always had, that's what i don't feel like.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009


"that's the way it crumbles....cookie wise"

Sunday, November 15, 2009

as i stare into space with wine and 2 pens i bought for a dollar

I drink a couple of glasses of wine and watch infomercials on the TV guide station.
Sarah McLaughlin is on talking about dying animals. you could not look up and know that's what it was. her music is only played if a dog is dying or a child is starving in Africa.

I'm staring at a piece of paper unable to think of anything. I want to write. I want to read. I want to take pictures and make a collage. I want to use my free time wisely and be creative. Why can't I just be naturally talented? Why do I always have to force this shit? Maybe if I left the house, I could feel better? But it's raining and I hear there's a storm coming.
I know this because for the last 4 days I've been watching the news.
Did you know I never watch the news? It's true. I'm rather uneducated in the ways of current events.

she said this is a solution not a problem.
she is obviously right.
she is always right. she is one of the rare people that actually know me.
But despite that, i can not, for the life of me, see beyond "problem".

I feel paralyzed and lost. And although I realize my constant complaining and self deprecation is enough to make anyone ill with annoyance...I don't fucking care.
I don't. I absolutely, positively don't care. Screw it. I feel sorry for myself.
No matter how hard I try and logically look at things, pull myself up by the boot straps if you will, I just can't. What's worse is that I can't seem to move. I can't move at all let alone move forward.
The sometimes pathetic traits in my somewhat sensitive personality, have a tendency to throw me into unsolvable crisis mode. Into the "depths of despair".

You see, I have not lost a loved one. I am not in a real crisis. I am just stuck in crisis mode anyway.
The kind in which you can't even remember what was wrong. You just hyper ventilate anyway because you think to yourself..hell, what else is there to do. Certainly not to actually DO something about it. Certainly not.

i have another glass of wine. i then watch a couple of witty episodes of some HBO show. doesn't really matter which one, whatever get's the ball rolling again. and yet nothing. nothing but word diarrhea that sounds like a diary or a whiny and spoiled 16 year old girl. opps, i did it again.

Ah what the hell, one more glass of wine, one more cookie and i'll call the little shit i refer to as my pet."Here kitty kitty" (i don't know why i bother. he never comes, i just go pick him up and put him on the bed anyway)
Now I rest my head on my cat's sleeping belly. This is the only time he doesn't swat at me. The only time I can pretend this animal, this feline that See's me as a food supplier and key holder to the outside world, actually gives a damn about me.
Never the less, these moments freeze time. I'm sure to get sleepy from the time lapse combined with the wine and I'll go to sleep with some jack lemon movie in the back ground. I'll wear earplugs so I can't hear it. but I sleep better because I know if I can't'll still be there, still playing when I turn around.

dear diary, jesus christ, am i actually going to publish this post?! this bullshit?
yes...yes i am.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

forced change

it's easy to make jokes when you weren't the one to wake up at 630am with a text letting you know you had no more job.
that it burnt to the ground.

yesterday one of the specials was named "last man standing"
lugz coffee shop closed down a week prior and my boss was the last of the old business's.
guess there's no one standing now.

i liked my job.
I'm gonna miss my job
fuck...i NEEDED my job.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dear Bill: i think i might love you.



I put in my order for fish and chips
tied my hair back with paper clips
can't see past the edge of reason
when i feel like committing treason
take deep breathes cause we're going down
visiting hours in shades of brown
i believed all lies and chose to be dumb
opened legs to feel a comforting numb
now, soon, here and once there after
what's overrated is the sound of laughter
i am precarious, wary and weak
looking for the injured, listless and bleak
never was i clear on rights and wrongs
i don't belt but whisper songs
our children would be born with paws for hands
whilst endlessly wishing that love expands
driving down a highway headed south
bound feet, closed eyes and covered mouth
in search of a home neither here nor there
but somewhere i know trees still make air
so if future exists the way it promised me
we can all go home, sit there...
..and just BE...