Hey santa! soo...this isn't for me. I don't really need anything. i'm cool. but i was wondering, do you read your own letter? Or do you get your agent (elfs) to read them? well either or, when you or the little guys come accross two from a girl named Marcie, could you pay special attention to them? She really deserve's her christmas wishes to come true and she's always been good to others and it's high time an edless supply of goodness came her way. anyhoo, she's not asking for much, just a job and her sister's cat to be found. i mean that's totally do-able right?? right! that's what i thought? cool santa, i'm glad we're on the same page. hope the season goes smoothly for you! although you always manage to come out on top anyway! sincerly, liz powell.
i cried over a ramote control confusion last night and threw a temper tantrum. i fell asleep teary eyed feeling guilty. i woke up at 7 to the sound of one parent's meltdown and i stared at the ceiling feeling guilty. i went out for breakfast. i knocked over hot coffee on the other parents lap and i sat there feeling guilty. i went to pee. i had a melt down while i sat on the toilet. and i think i made everyoe else feel guilty so i cried in the bathroom stall feeling guilty. my mom bought me clothes and a bang trim today and i felt pretty guilty.
i tell ya what i don't feel like. what i don't feel like is the daughter you wish you always had, that's what i don't feel like.
I drink a couple of glasses of wine and watch infomercials on the TV guide station. SarahMcLaughlin is on talking about dying animals. you could not look up and know that's what it was. her music is only played if a dog is dying or a child is starving in Africa.
I'm staring at a piece of paper unable to think of anything. I want to write. I want to read. I want to take pictures and make a collage. I want to use my free time wisely and be creative. Why can't I just be naturally talented? Why do I always have to force this shit? Maybe if I left the house, I could feel better? But it's raining and I hear there's a storm coming. I know this because for the last 4 days I've been watching the news. Did you know I never watch the news? It's true. I'm rather uneducated in the ways of current events.
she said this is a solution not a problem. she is obviously right. she is always right. she is one of the rare people that actually know me. But despite that, i can not, for the life of me, see beyond "problem".
I feel paralyzed and lost. And although I realize my constant complaining and self deprecation is enough to make anyone ill with annoyance...I don't fucking care. I don't. I absolutely, positively don't care. Screw it. I feel sorry for myself. No matter how hard I try and logically look at things, pull myself up by the boot straps if you will, I just can't. What's worse is that I can't seem to move. I can't move at all let alone move forward. The sometimes pathetic traits in my somewhat sensitive personality, have a tendency to throw me into unsolvable crisis mode. Into the "depths of despair".
You see, I have not lost a loved one. I am not in a real crisis. I am just stuck in crisis mode anyway. The kind in which you can't even remember what was wrong. You just hyper ventilate anyway because you think to yourself..hell, what else is there to do. Certainly not to actually DO something about it. Certainly not.
i have another glass of wine. i then watch a couple of witty episodes of some HBO show. doesn't really matter which one, whatever get's the ball rolling again. and yet nothing. nothing but word diarrhea that sounds like a diary or a whiny and spoiled 16 year old girl. opps, i did it again.
Ah what the hell, one more glass of wine, one more cookie and i'll call the little shit i refer to as my pet."Here kitty kitty" (i don't know why i bother. he never comes, i just go pick him up and put him on the bed anyway) Now I rest my head on my cat's sleeping belly. This is the only time he doesn't swat at me. The only time I can pretend this animal, this feline that See's me as a food supplier and key holder to the outside world, actually gives a damn about me. Never the less, these moments freeze time. I'm sure to get sleepy from the time lapse combined with the wine and I'll go to sleep with some jack lemon movie in the back ground. I'll wear earplugs so I can't hear it. but I sleep better because I know if I can't sleep....it'll still be there, still playing when I turn around.
dear diary, jesus christ, am i actually going to publish this post?! this bullshit? yes...yes i am.
I put in my order for fish and chips tied my hair back with paper clips can't see past the edge of reason when i feel like committing treason take deep breathes cause we're going down visiting hours in shades of brown i believed all lies and chose to be dumb opened legs to feel a comforting numb now, soon, here and once there after what's overrated is the sound of laughter i am precarious, wary and weak looking for the injured, listless and bleak never was i clear on rights and wrongs i don't belt but whisper songs our children would be born with paws for hands whilst endlessly wishing that love expands driving down a highway headed south bound feet, closed eyes and covered mouth in search of a home neither here nor there but somewhere i know trees still make air so if future exists the way it promised me we can all go home, sit there... ..and just BE...
aw man!!! i REALLY wish i had a front door to give out candy. my favourite part about this holiday is seeing the adorable kids in there stupid adorable costumes!! my womb EXPLODED when i saw this! give me a baby, a pot and a lobster costume right fucking now before i FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
i make fun of myself a lot, cause whenever i use film and get it back, i always have a creepy amount of photo's of this guy. if i didn't throw out half my photo's i'd have a serious collection. but i guess it's just cause he's the most fun to take photo's of...i guess. hahah..errr....i suppose he's my photo muse... i never thought about it until now.
as it seems the only time I'm feeling creative is alone, i chose to take a lot of pictures of myself. and even if that were not the case, i often feel unnatural with a camera pointing at other people. i rush the process and the end result often suffers. i also usually hate all my photo's of "things" so here we are once more. self portraits of myself in portrait form taken by: myself.
apart from watching movies and tv on the internet with the big bear, i have been keeping up with my flower arranging. (as well this summer i really worked on my yard and keeping as many planters alive as i could) once every two weeks i make about 7 mini boquets for the house. they all usually look similar as i keep to the same colour skeem and only have soo much money too spend at a time. but then the next week, i pick a different skeem.
they go great with my figurines and salt and pepper shakers
not really sure why, i have nothing to say. but comes the winter, comes looking for things to do. suppose i'll try and write a little. maybe post a funny thing or two. who knows. but here's some pictures i've taken with the ol digital over the last 5 months or so.
on days such as these i get discouraged that the rain and cold will ever stop. i have one thing that gets me going. the moment i step out my door i see a big tree in my back yard. and it has now started to bloom. sooo MAYBE there's still hope.
I've had a rough week. to say the very least..... i raised from the dead the crazy teenager out of me that i thought i buried along time ago.
however, some good came to be. i had some time to think and truly appreciate the things and people in my life I'm lucky to have. and when things get dark, it's funny how people do little things to make you love them when they don't even know they're doing so and that you needed it (at that exact moment) more then they could possibly know.
first things first. work. i often feel pretty skidly that I'm doing nothing important in life. sometimes i think my only talent is flirting and being social. funny thing is I'm more shy then i let on and i care WAY TOO MUCH about what other people think. it's hard to chose a path in life with those personality traits. being a server right now, is good for me though. i think I'm pretty good at it and i actually like it...but i still feel like it's nothing to write home about.
slicity jims..a weird little diner owned by a weird little man who still thinks he is and wants to be... twenty years old. run by mostly alcoholics and people with the most sad, yet amazing stories and lives, we are a messed up but happy together family. i know i could probably go work somewhere, another serving job where i could make more money etc. but the thing is, i never dread going to work. when i come home, i never think about it and when I'm there, it seems to always cheer me up from anything that's bothering me. i know people there understand me.
my boss Amanda, always tries to have my back. her and the head chef there, always go to bat for me and always make me feel great. when i was having the worst day this last week, she covered me without any explanation and just said she understood.
that's a great boss. they are hard to come by.
i may not always be stoked on what I'm doing, but for now, this is the healthiest and happiest job I've ever had.
secondly. my roommate Anna. in 6 years i have lived in 7 places and have lived with i THINK 21 people. many of those people was when i lived at a party house, some off them lived on my couch when i lived with two other girls for a while, some subleted my old roommates room for a couple of months, some were very temporary and many of them, i had cleaned up after, were awful people and or i went crazy living with. every end of every roommate was all for different reasons. so although sometimes i think, maybe I'm bad to live with,maybe its me, there's no pattern so really i was just having the worst living situation luck in all of Vancouver. right now, i couldn't be more content with my roommate and even though it's a dark small basement, my home. i call it home. it's the first place i think I've called home. Anna and i have known each other a while, but never been best friends or anything. but since almost the very first day of living together, it's felt sooo natural. we get along great, we have a lot in common..she's grown up with Jake and i adore her frenchy boyfriend. i can talk to her, drink wine and laugh with her but i can also not talk at all and feel totally comfortable in my own home. sometimes we pull both our laptops to the table and cruise on ebay together. barely speaking to each other unless we see something awesome. then we talk about how cool it is and then go back to not talking and doing our own thing. but it's nice to have someone in the room. it feels a lot like living with a sister. there was no adjusting for me. it just settled in nicely. she's a great person to live with. she's clean and sweet and i consider her a good friend.
thirdly. miss Toby Marie!!
i love Toby. she moved to new york along with the rest of the sweethearts in my life that have moved...that I'm sure I've talked about to no end in almost an annoying way. Toby and i, a bit before she left got together so she could take some photo's of yours truly. but she never sent me any. i bugged her occasionally for months and months to no avail and finally the other day, totally random, she sent them too me! not only did she send the pictures, but she sent along with it a note that made me feel like a million dollars. she made my day and i can't tell you how sweet and out of the blue it was. she inspires me to keep taking photo's and she always does little things that remind me to just have fun with it and to just have fun with life. I've always looked up to her a little to be honest so in a dark week, the email meant a whole lot.
miss Toby Marie and her pictures below
finally..and this may sound silly: the flowerbox on commercial and flowers in general.
the thing i do these days, once a week is buy flowers for myself. i love the flowerbox. the ladies in there know my face and they always make me feel fantastic. i love love love flowers. i get 4 bouquet's a week or so and spread them around my house. they make them for me each time and it's a ritual i can't seem to live without. thanks flowerbox and thanks mother nature for giving me some colour in life!
depression comes and goes for me. enough anyway, for me to know that a)it goes away and b)it can be short term remedied, like shopping, a dinner party, getting drunk and going to karaoke or getting artsy. man sometimes clothes shopping is THE best short term remedy and it makes me feel so much better. i prance around like i'm on fashion television and this new outfit is gonna make me be somebody. like I designed it myself, man look how GOOD this looks on me?!
but other times, i kinda wanna go home and burn all my food and then stab myself in the foot so as i can not PHYSICALLY leave the house again and therefore starving to death. like bathing suit shopping in February, it can be that bad.